Very appropriate that if I was going to run into anyone in the craziness after walking the stage, it would be her.
To outsiders looking in, it would appear that everything in my life was great. My grades were good. I was highly sociable. And get this—I was senior class president.
I somehow was able to convince enough of my peers to vote for me. I’d like to think it was purely confidence in my ability to lead the class into glory. The pessimistic side of me says it’s because the alternative would have been a complete train wreck.
Senior year was full of late nights preparing for rallies, dances, hanging out with friends, trips to the beach, and movies at Great Mall. There were some genuinely great memories made that year.
My senior prom, however, I did not enjoy.
I was exhausted from helping with all the setup that morning. Leading up to prom, I was also stressing about what to do about a date. All my friends had significant others. There was absolutely nothing wrong with going to prom alone, but I wasn’t sure if that was something I wanted to do. I was back in the closet, so asking a guy was out of the question.
Sarah, a casual friend of mine who wasn’t part of our main friend group, also didn’t have a prom date, so I asked her. Thankfully, she said yes.
One of the harder parts for me was seeing my former gay best friend bring his boyfriend to prom. I was incredibly envious of him in that way. In my eyes, Marlon got to experience the high school life I wished I had. He was good at tennis, open about who he was, got to explore his sexuality freely, was a decent student, and people genuinely liked him.
Ironically, years later, we drifted apart and I eventually heard through other people that he had been resentful of me for things outside my control. He felt like people naturally gravitated toward me and that I “had everything” at school.
Little did he know, I was envious of him the entire time.
I suppose we’ll never really know each other’s full perspective. Sometimes I think about reaching out and clearing the air.
I am thankful for all the meaningful relationships I have in my life today, but there is definitely something to be said about having a gay best friend—or honestly, any close gay friend at all—who isn’t your husband.
Graduation day came, and I gave my senior class speech. Ms. Mello, my drama teacher, had read it in advance and told me it was very well written. Once we officially walked, everything became chaotic. People were everywhere. Families were flooding in. Everyone was trying to find each other.
I remember seeing Kristabel and immediately feeling relieved and happy. We took a photo together.
But outside of that, I honestly don’t remember finding many other people.
For a while, I couldn’t even find my own family in the chaos. I remember standing there feeling strangely alone despite being surrounded by hundreds of people. Eventually, my immediate family found me, we took photos, and then we all went to dinner together.
I use this phrase all the time now, but “two things can be true at once.” Senior year, I experienced some of the highest highs. Simultaneously, some of my own internal struggles resulted in the lowest lows.
Today I come across articles, memes and reels discussing how being gay can sometimes feel incredibly lonely. I can see it. Graduation and prom were probably the beginnings of that realization for me.
From the outside, everything in my life looked great. But internally, I still felt very alone sometimes.
At the same time, high school also taught me that I could be successful and that I had a strong network of friends behind me.
I was ready to go into college and once again, start over.
This time, with confidence.
Me and Honey Gubuan in 2004. Advisor for FASA club at the time.
Quick notes:
• Monica, Mon and Gaby I appreciated a lot during this time. They kept me company while a lot of my friends were busy chasing love.
• Our last song of the evening for prom was “Burn” by Usher.
• Overfelt had a wonderful staff. Most of my teachers I found to be personable and good at what they did. Above all, patient.
• Some of the best Hip-Hop and R&B tracks came out during this 2003-2004 window of time that are still spun at bars and clubs to this day. Petey Pablo, Too $hort, 50 Cent and Beyonce are just a few off the top of my head.