Me and my mom, Normita “Normie” Floro. This was Christmas my first year of college.
I remember driving to San Francisco with my mom and my little cousins, Christine, Chrizia and Athena. We were going to look at the 3-bedroom “apartment” that me, Chris and Annalisa were going to rent out for freshman year of college.
Upon arrival, I don’t even remember how we got into an argument, but my mom and I instantly got into a very heated one. I think perhaps my mom was already feeling some kind of way about me leaving the nest and being out on my own and needed a reason to lash out and get her emotions out. My brother went to college in San Jose, so this was really the first time she’d experience one of her kids leaving. I knew I had to leave the house though.
This wasn’t because I did not love my childhood home, or my family. I just needed to grow and be able to express myself—all parts of myself—freely, without conflict or fear. And so I did.
The first two years of college, living in the apartment was mostly just Chris and I. Chris was dating a long-time girlfriend, and I, of course, was single. I came out casually in passing to Chris. He had already known since we had been friends since sophomore year. With that out of the way, I was ready to date.
I had put on a lot of weight from excess food and sugary beverages. I also did not lift or exercise, so it was all fat. Kaiser told me I was obese. I weighed in at 164 lbs, and was only 5’4. Additionally, I was balding rapidly. Between being short, overweight, and balding, in my mind at the time that felt like three strikes in the gay community. At least that’s how it felt to me back then. I had a hard time meeting gay kids my age who were interested in me, and the ones who showed interest would almost immediately lose interest once we met.
The shirt was off, but I was mega self conscious – I just refused to show it as I had learned from 8th grade and under that if you show you are insecure, the more people will hate. 19 years old.
So I decided to take care of the first thing I could actually control—my hair. I gave it a buzz cut. Thankfully, at the time, pop stars like Justin Timberlake were all shaving their heads. It made it less of a shock. After a year of that, it was just getting worse so I had to take it a level further and shave my head skin bald.
The buzz cut. Losing your hair is tough. 20 years old with Regina and Lorraine.
I remember standing in the shower with the razor, taking a deep breath and making the first shave. I touched my head and felt the bare skin and immediately wondered if I had made a mistake. I took another breath and just pushed forward. There was no going back.
Back then, there was no social media. I remember driving back to San Jose that weekend and my high school friends were going to come over. I opened the door and there was an immediate gasp, and of course they had question after question. I was really sensitive about it though so I gave a quick, dismissive one-sentence response and moved on to the next subject.
My 21st birthday party with some of my closest friends. One of the most fun nights I ever had at Glen Dundee. Fully bald, still carrying the weight. By then, I was fully out again with all of them.
I remember I went on a date with a guy around my age during that time. He was supposedly into me, but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated in this case and I had let him know that kindly. He told me I looked like a bald rat. Ouch. Yes, you read that right.
The next thing I decided to do was shed the weight. And so, I did two things—both horrible. I ate very little—just one meal a day, and it was a tiny meal. No tracking calories or anything. I remember starving through the day into the evening. Once school was over, I would go to the 24 Hour Fitness on Montgomery Street in the Financial District and do cardio for two hours. One hour on the elliptical, and then one hour of walking. I’d leave the gym burning over 1,000 calories a day. Between the lack of food and over-exercising, I was dropping .2–.3 lbs a day, and losing 2–3 lbs a week.
At the time, I convinced myself it was discipline. Looking back now, it was clearly unhealthy.
131 lbs in this photo and I think I am 22. This was with a youth group for Asian LGBT youth in the city.
Looking at photos from this time frame still makes me sad. I looked ill. At the time, I was addicted. If you had asked me, I would have said I still had more weight to lose. I remember wanting to aim for 125 lbs.
Once I got thinner, I was in my junior year of college. I moved into a tiny studio in downtown San Francisco the size of a 10×10 room, but with a small kitchenette and bathroom. It only had room for a bed and one of those tiny portable closets. It was very lonely.
Chris and Annalisa both decided to move back to San Jose. Suddenly, I was alone in that small studio apartment. Not wanting to sit in that loneliness, I drove back to San Jose almost every weekend I could just to be around my friends.
We’d go clubbing every weekend. I finally felt confident. Guys showed interest now that I was thinner. I’d still get asked bald questions all the time though. I suppose being 22 is kind of young to be skin bald—I get it. Those were some of my most favorite times. All of us turning 21 and going out.
Years later, someone I had gone on a few dates with who lost interest had complimented a photo I posted. I gave him a hard time that he wasn’t interested when I was larger, and many of the other guys weren’t either, and now people suddenly care. He said it could be that—or maybe it’s just the confidence I’m presenting now. I suppose we’ll never know.
What’s interesting about this whole segment of my life was how much my physical appearance mattered to everyone else. I had made my peace with being bald when I decided to shave it all off, but it was a big deal to everyone else. Same for the weight. In some ways, I am glad it pushed me to take care of myself and I am in the best shape of my life now. In other ways, I think it’s completely jacked up. I am happy now though knowing that anything I do to my body is 100% a choice for myself and no one else.
While it is difficult for me to reflect on the body dysmorphia from this time, it is a pivotal time of growth for me. Every person I met there, I was Alvin—out and not hiding. While I loved my parents, I needed that time away to grow up and be my authentic self. Conversely, it made it easier when I returned home from college. When I came back, I didn’t have to “come out” again. We all just treated it like it was common knowledge at that point, and my folks—most notably my mom—were completely fine. We’ve only gotten closer and tighter since.
Quick Notes:
• Music from 2004–2008 still brings me so much joy. It reminds me of all the parties. Timbaland, Nelly Furtado, The Pussycat Dolls, Destiny’s Child, Chris Brown, Akon, Gwen Stefani… I could go on forever.
• The insecurities I had during this time never really resurfaced in the same way. While I would eventually gain weight back years later, I never felt as low as I did here.
• The Spice Girls reunited in 2007, including Geri Halliwell. Going to that show with my girlfriends still stands as one of my favorite memories.
• The road trips I took during this time with my friends to Southern California — especially the ones to Disneyland — are incredibly special to me.
• Even though my cousins and I didn’t see each other as often by this point, we still had amazing parties during holidays and major family events. Some of the funniest photos and video footage from my life came out of this era.